Verð að deila þessu

Ég hef örugglega birt þetta áður en ég bara verð að gera það aftur. Sittu fyrir framan tölvuna í vinnunni og búðu þig undir að reyna að hlægja bara inn í þér Þetta er snillingurinn Eddie Izzard :

• We throw sticks at dogs, that’s the level we have dogs at. You’d never dream of throwing one for a cat. We throw sticks for dogs, and dogs go, “Oh, he’s dropped his stick! I better go and get that… (mimes chasing after the stick) Saw you dropped your stick there. Thought I’d bring it back… And you hang on… (mimes giving the stick back and follows it with eyes as it’s thrown again) Did you see me just bring that back? And then you...you dropped it again? This is very weird I don't know what’s going on here (mimes bringing the stick back again) Now hang on to it this time, I don’t want to piss about all the time. You think I enjoy this? There you… Don’t fucking throw it!!” That’s why the third time, when they come back, they won’t give it to you, they go, (through clenched teeth) “No… I won’t let you take it!”

• And cats leap up walls! Six foot walls, they just go… "Fwang" (mimes cat jumping) Lands perfectly, and turn… turn… and back flip and forward flip, and dismount! They always land perfectly, they never do that sort of wobbly-gymnast … (mimes wobbling) You never see cats on a wall having a problem, do you? You never see a cat going, (mimes tentative walk) “Fucking ‘ell..! I’m not sure about this…” and a cat on the ground, going, “Easy, Ginger! Walk it out!”

 

• But there must've been a Death Star canteen, yeah? There must've been a cafeteria downstairs, in between battles, where Darth Vader could just chill and go down:

Darth Vader: I will have the penne all'arrabbiata.

Canteen Worker: You'll need a tray.

Darth Vader: Do you know who I am?

Canteen Worker: Do you know who I am?

Darth Vader: This is not a game of who the fuck are you. For I am Vader, Darth Vader, Lord Vader. I can kill you with a single thought.

Canteen Worker: Well, you'll still need a tray.

Darth Vader: No, I will not need a tray. I do not need a tray to kill you. I can kill you without a tray, with the power of the Force, for which is strong within me. Even though I could kill you with a tray if I so wished. For I would hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed across the canteen floor.

Canteen Worker: No, the food is hot. You'll need a tray to put the food on.

Darth Vader: Oh, I see the food is hot. I'm sorry. I did not realise. Ha ha ha ha … oh … tray for the … yes. I thought you were challenging me for the fight to the death.

Canteen Worker: A fight to the death? This is a canteen, I work here.

Darth Vader: Yes, but I am Vader. I am Lord Vader? Everyone challenges me to a fight to the death. Lord Vader? Darth Vader, I'm Darth Vader. Sir Lord Vader? Sir Lord Darth Vader? Lord Darth Sir Lord, Lord Vader of Cheem? Sir Lord Baron Von Vader Ham? The Death Star. I run the Death Star.

Canteen Worker: What's the Death Star?

Darth Vader: This is the Death Star! You're in the Death Star! I run this star!

Canteen Worker: This is a star?

Darth Vader: This is a fucking star! I run it! I'm your boss.

Canteen Worker: You're Mr. Stevens?

Darth Vader: No, I'm … who is Mr. Stevens?

Canteen Worker: He's Head of Catering.

Darth Vader: I'm not Head of Catering! I am Vader, I can kill catering with a thought.

Canteen Worker: Wha'?

Darth Vader: I can kill you all! I can kill me with a thought! Just … fine, I'll get a tray, fuck it. This one's wet, and this one's wet and this one's wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. Did you dry these in a rainforest? Why, with the power of the Death Star do we not have a tray that is fucking dry? I do not … no, no, no! I was here first!

Other guy: You have to form a queue if you want food. Can I have, uh … ooo, penne all'arrabbiata. That'd be very nice.

Darth Vader: No, no, no! Do you know who I am?

Canteen Worker: That's Jeff Vader that is!

Darth Vader: I am not Jeff Vader, I am Darth Vader.

Other guy: What? Jeff Vader runs the Death Star?

Darth Vader: No, Jeff … no, I run the Death Star.

Other guy: You Jeff Vader?

Darth Vader: No, I'm Darth Vader.

Other guy: Are you his brother? Could you get his autograph?

Darth Vader: I can't get his … no, I'm Jeff … all right, I'm Jeff Vader! I'm Jeff Vader!

Other guy: Could I have your autograph?

Darth Vader: No, fuck off or I'll kill you with a tray! Give me penne all'arrabbiata or you shall die! And you and everyone in this canteen! Death by tray it shall be!

Canteen Worker: Whoooo. Do you want peas with that?

Darth Vader: Peas! You don't have peas! You can't put in right in … you can't put …it doesn't work with penne! Unless you push 'em up the penne tubes and then it'd be weird! Oh, all right! Put some peas in.

Athugasemdir

[Ágústa (IP-tala skráð) 3.11.2008 kl. 23:39]

Snillingur.